Much like the bell curve, there is a drinking curve, divided into six stages: teetotalers, social drinkers, business owners, people who drink too much, writers, and finally, alcoholics. Although most people will spend their life hovering somewhere between being a social drinker and someone who drinks too much, a few rare individuals go all the way, and end up abstaining completely, or lying motionless on a slab.

Entire countries have been known to make the journey. Take Scotland, for example, which is currently debating outlawing a beverage known as “Buckfast Tonic Wine.” A clever combination of caffeine, sugar, and 30 proof alcohol, Buckfast appears to be a causal agent for diabetes, alcoholism, and very fast slurring. It’s kind of a reverse wonder drink, a toxic balm applied to healthy impulses. The Scottish government issues reports on the drinking of its citizenry, saying that “for a large section of the Scottish population, their relationship with alcohol is damaging and harmful.” Will Scotland take the hint and sober up, and start furiously coaching youth sports leagues? Anything could happen in the land that pioneered the deep-fried candy bar.

I know several people who have forever sworn off drink. I know others who have forever sworn off sobriety. And I know a great deal who, in their attempts to deal with a never ending deluge of reality, are once again drinking too much. One of these latter day drinkers is currently headed to an un-insulated mung-bean growing recuperation center in Northern California. It is unclear whether the recuperation benefits the mung beans or those who grow them.

Some people have effectively argued that writers are alcoholics, citing actual writers as examples. However, there is a distinction; alcoholics rarely win the Pulitzer Prize, unless of course they are politicians. Business owners are issued one bottle of Scotch when they pay their first worker’s compensation claim, and must submit to regular drinking exams by the State Board of Equalization, or, failing the availability of an inspector, especially insufferable clientele. Social drinkers would seem to have it right, but their jokes are never very funny. And the newly sober are as fanatic about being sober as they were about being drunk.

Wherever you are on the scale, here’s to your health.

Photo: ㋷㋓ ♥ ½’s