End of summer & football is creeping back on TV. Went hiking on Wednesday in Temescal & almost stepped on a pregnant rattlesnake. It shook its tail at me like a maraca of death & I kept sweating it out on the mountain / my Roman wilderness of pain.

Tending rattlesnakes is a tricky business, but an important one to any man looking for answers. Grab the neck. Control the head. And urine does not kill the venom in their bites, though for some reason, the mescaline-whiskey hangover confused my mind into thinking that all slithering poisons can be cured with the antidote to a jellyfish sting.

The alarm blares talk-radio.You fumble and turn it off , your blurry eyes adjust and see red digits floating in darkness… 3:45. No amount of money seems worth this suffering, but you dutifully dump coffee down your throat and shower and dress. Sunset Blvd. rolls out before you, empty and peaceful.

I met “Lauren” on Match.com. Or rather, she found me. That was the first red flag. Women are never attracted to me on Match.com, unless they are from Russia or the Philippines and seeking a green card marriage.