When I think about marijuana, I think about district attorney Steve Cooley. Bongs, inner clarity, and cancer patients simply don’t exert the same visceral pull as the man who wants to be the next state attorney general. Steve Cooley is my personal figurehead of dope.

“Once, without realizing it, they spent ten minutes 
conversing about two entirely separate topics. 
Alex was talking about S/M lifestyles, and Patrick 
was talking about living in New York, and they didn’t 
realize their error until Alex said, with an air of finality, 
‘Well, it’s a lot to go through just for an orgasm.’”

—Fool’s Errand, Louis Bayard

As we officially abandon the larger world of wind, rain, sun, and sand for the 2D flicker of the high speed realm, how will we represent gravity? Has this intrinsic force, which once governed our actions across tarmacs and savannahs alike, been outsourced? The virtual realm has representations of everything else: sex, money, shopping, and according to Facebook, a whole slew of cheaply animated farm animals, whose lives generate more postings than most flesh and blood members. So what, in this IP address governed world, stands in for gravity?

After a recent stint where I could neither stand nor sit without experiencing the kind of lumbar pain that throbs like a Velvet Underground bass line, I decided to visit a disarmingly enthusiastic chiropractor (“Hi there! Why dontcha lie down on the table!”).

Much like the bell curve, there is a drinking curve, divided into six stages: teetotalers, social drinkers, business owners, people who drink too much, writers, and finally, alcoholics. Although most people will spend their life hovering somewhere between being a social drinker and someone who drinks too much, a few rare individuals go all the way, and end up abstaining completely, or lying motionless on a slab.